“just sayin” who asked you though?
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So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
😅🤣😂
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Human are so complicated
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume