Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
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“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
🤣😂
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry