I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
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*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Can’t, holding a grudge
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything