Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
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*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
synchronized noseblowing
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
happy valentine’s day to me
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.