Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
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Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Y’all know who you are.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.