Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
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Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
thank god the sign was there
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.