This a good idea
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Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.