Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
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found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
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You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…