By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
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Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.