In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
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You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein