I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
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I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text