This is my pinned tweet
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Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time