Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
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Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Think I pulled my liver
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook