birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
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For those that worship cheese..
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Sell your car
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ