my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
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*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough