When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
You Might Also Like
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Europe. Made in Germany.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America