My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
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Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.