them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
You Might Also Like
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Unimpressed
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche