me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
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Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.