nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Perfect
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.