If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
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The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.