*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
You Might Also Like
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?