I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
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Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”