John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
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*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy