I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
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BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years