Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
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No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Proofread twice, hang posters once
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale