How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
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Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Bond. Trauma bond.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about