Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
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You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.