ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
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Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I’m being attacked 😭
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall