I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
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Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.