when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
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migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I WON A HAM TODAY
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
c’mon!
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.