Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
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Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
There are usually two types of merchants.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!