20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
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What number SPF blocks people?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.