me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
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Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I hope it’s French Onion!
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.