me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
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Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
*limbos under the caution tape
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo