4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
You Might Also Like
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?