I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
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While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.