Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
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Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.