Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
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If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.