i choose….tongue
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
New Tinder profile.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.