Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
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If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
*pronounces patio like ratio
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.