My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
You Might Also Like
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back