Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
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“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount