[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter