If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
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Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.