Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
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I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!