A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
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Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.