The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
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Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
went fishing caught a bass
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.