pictures of spider-man
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
No regrets in 2018
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.