[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
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[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok